Stephen Kaus: Aquanet Moment

It’s late, I’m tired. But here it is, complete with hairspray & match:

I just received the weekly e-mail announcing the guests on Meet the Press for next Sunday. It seems to me that someone, or rather a category of someones, is missing:

MEET THE PRESS WITH TIM RUSSERT
WEEKEND LISTINGS 11/12/06

SEN. JOHN MCCAIN (R-AZ)

SEN. JOSEPH LIEBERMAN (I/D-CT)

MAUREEN DOWD
Columnist, New York Times

DAVID GREGORY
Chief White House Correspondent, NBC News

That’s right. There is no Democrat! Well, they didn’t do much this week.

Lieberman? Dowd? Gregory? And you can’t find a Democrat in that group? You gotta be kidding me, Steve! Watch where you’re going with that flaming hair of yours.

European Music Fans Hate Black People

Look! It’s Kanye West with his hair on fire!

Kanye apparently was so disappointed at not winning for Best Video that he crashed the stage Thursday in Copenhagen when the award was being presented to Justice and Simian for “We Are Your Friends.” In a tirade riddled with expletives, Kanye said he should have won the prize for his video “Touch The Sky,” because it “cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons.”

“If I don’t win, the awards show loses credibility,” Kanye said.

Ironic that a man who was created by the music industry complains that he didn’t win because the other duo who was created by the music industry won a prize at an event where the nominees are all no-talent hacks with produced music written by the music industry.

Needless to say, it’s one of the purest Aquanet Moments to date.

John Kerry Is A Rovian Puppet! I Have Proof!

This was taken earlier today by a photographer associated with the “Weekly World Press”:

That’s right, folks. Karl Rove’s Orbital Mind Control Lasers have latched on so hard to John Kerry’s brain that they actually made his hair catch on fire. It’s a laser-induced Aquanet Moment.

Just before his hair burst aflame, he made this video message, where he wouldn’t apologize for calling US troops uneducated, blamed the administration for making him eat his words, and proceeded to laud himself for “honoring” veterans (by ripping into them in testimony before congress and throwing somebody else’s ribbons over the White House fence).

Aquanet Moment: Hans Blix

Hans Blix is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Well, today, we’ve found the chocolate-covered caramel:

Blix said the situation would have been better if the [Iraq] war had not taken place.

“Saddam would still have been sitting in office. Okay, that is negative and it would not have been joyful for the Iraqi people. But what we have gotten is undoubtedly worse,” he was quoted as saying.

So Hans Blix is telling the Iraqis “Hey, the Americans are worse for you than Saddam! Saddam was much better! At least you weren’t killing each other. He was just killing you all indiscriminately!”

Statements like this don’t help any volatile situation. They just exacerbate it. And Hans is adding fuel to the fire, igniting his hair at the same time. Hans, this Aquanet’s for you!

5-Alarm Aquanet Moment

Fueled by complete Bush Derangement Syndrome, we present– Tony Hendra of the PuffingTonsHost in full Aquanet Moment Pyschopathy!

The stated problem is that the assassination of a President shouldn’t be depicted on screen.

OK, except that the President in question is the most hated man on Earth. The unstated problem therefore, is that the ruling junta doesn’t want billions of Earthlings - including far too many Americans - wallowing in the collective wish-fulfillment of seeing the cretinous coward choke to death on his own blood. Assassination must not be exploited.

In other words, craven kowtowing to a President who climbed to power exploiting the three thousand American citizens assassinated by his own negligence - or connivance. Such craven kowtowing shouldn’t be blamed however on the admirable, hardworking and chronically underpaid folks at NPR, who’ve fought to keep their baby healthy throughout the deadly years of the Bush Plague.

…These odious reprobates are the quintessential foxes in charge of the chicken-coop - though sadly in Cheryl’s case, not a very foxy fox. Tomlinson made his righty rep demonizing NPR stalwart Bill Moyers, for his deplorable tendency to take Christ at his word on matters like poverty, war and environmental rape. Similarly Halpern came to neo-con prominence by waging war against NPR for its deplorable tendency to report on Palestinians as if they were remarkably similar to actual human beings.

What’s Tony on about? NPR, the paragon of the Righty Airwaves, controlled by Rush Limbaugh’s Pill Pusher and KKKarl Rove themselves!

Seriously. When you consider NPR to be the mouthpiece of the Republican Party, you’ve gone so far left you’ve fallen off the planet.

Contagious Aquanet Festival!

It’s been a few days since we’ve had a good Aquanet moment. Now, I bring you a classic. It originates on YouTube, and it is in regards to the Michael J. Fox ad for Claire McCaskil. For those who don’t know, M.J. Fox is suffering from Parkinson’s Disease. Essentially, the chemical in the brain that allows cells to efficiently communicate is reduced as the cells that make it die.

Don’t worry. McCaskil’s not setting her hair on fire. Neither is Michael J. Fox.

But there is a commenter, one of 456 commenters, who said a particularly dimwitted thing. Here’s what gringott12 said:

This dude is a Canadian. Why is he in the US talking to Congress, faking being American? Because we need to fix him up, all our resources are to go to him, because he has a problem. Go to Canada, they have socialized medicine, maybe they can help you. Oh, that’s why you are here. I get it now.

He makes a jab at socialists who think socialized health care is the way to go, when the rich and ill in Canada come the US for treatment. I’d have more sympathy for M.J. Fox, but he’s using his illness to conjure sympathy and then, in turn, spin that as political capital for a politician. Hey, once you’re in a political ad, you’re fair game. The press has shown us that much.

So, the worst we can call gringott12 is a troll. 99.999999% of the time, he’ll spin off an argumentative tangent on a message board that will inevitably link M.J. Fox with the Nazis (Godwin’s Law).

Unless, of course, that comment catches the eye of James Boyce, marketing rep extraordinaire and blogger at the PuffingTons Host! So, Boyce, in a moment of hair-ablaze insanity takes gringott12’s jab– and makes it all about Jesus! Sometimes it just too easy.

Boyce sums up his obscenity-laced rant with this gem:

Wonder where we would be if the millions we spend every hour in Iraq were spent on stem cell research?

Well, John, they we wouldn’t be killing people in Iraq. We’d be killing non-people in the name of research! Whew, it’s a good thing we totally ignore science (that a fertilized egg is a earliest form of human) to support science (growing embryonic stem-cell lines)! Who needs ethics? Bah! They just get in the way of good science.

What really gets the ol‘ flame going is that Boyce, at least in his most recent posts, never really responds to the comments on his posts. But he picks out one comment out of 400 over on YouTube and decides to lambaste a commenter talking about socialized medicine!

Man, if I used this blog to rip commenters over on the Yahoo! Message Boards, I’d have material for millenia. But what would the be point?

As the sign says– don’t feed the trolls. Unless it’s Aquanet and Sterno.

Aquanet Moment: Mikhail Gorbechev

Berlin Wall = US Southern Border Wall.

“You remember President Reagan standing in Berlin and saying, ‘This wall should be torn down,’” said the 1990 Nobel Peace Prize winner. “Now the United States seems to be building almost the Wall of China between itself and this other nation with which it has been associated for many decades and has had cooperation and interaction with.

Of course! Why didn’t I see it before! All those West Germans were sneaking over into East Berlin illegally, giving birth to East Berlinners, sapping the education system and the health care system, then shipping all their money back to West Berlin because the currency exchange was so ridiculous.

Same with the Mongols. China built the wall because the Mongols were nice people, but the terrorist Cossacks could sneak in through the border and blow up palaces.

What a lazy analogy. For such abject stupidity, I set Gorbechev’s head-mark on fire with Aquanet and Bunsen burner.

The Aquanet Moment Privacy Chamber!

Drudge has a link to this story about the Nectstraininator, or 360 degree view machine.I can just imagine the HS teacher saying “All my kids have giant neck muscles.”

Late Night Aquanet Moment

Alec Baldwin. Just because it’s easy. From the AP.

I can hear him saying now:

“There’s a plane that crashed. There’s fire. I need to set my hair on fire, sir! What are you, one of the Bushies’ minions? Don’t you know who I am? I contribute to the Huffington Post! Now stand aside and let me set my g—-mn hair on fire!”

Equal Opportunity Folicle Immolator

Focus on the Family has thrown its hat in the ring then set their hair ablaze in a conservative Aquanet Moment.

Check it out:

The ricochets of the Foley scandal continued to whistle overhead this weekend. As a guest on Fox News Sunday I again raised last week’s report by CBS’s Gloria Borger about anger on Capitol Hill that “‘a network of gay staffers and gay members protect[ed] each other and did the Speaker a disservice’” in the Foley scandal. On Friday, an internet site quoted a “gay politico” observing that “[m]aybe now the social conservatives will realize one reason why their agenda is stalled on Capitol Hill.” Sunday’s New York Times revealed that a homosexual former Clerk of the House of Representatives, Jeff Trandahl, was “among the first to learn of Mr. Foley’s” messages to pages. The Clerk’s job is described as a “powerful post with oversight of hundreds of staffers and the page program.” This raises yet another plausible question for values voters: has the social agenda of the GOP been stalled by homosexual members and or staffers? When we look over events of this Congress, we have to wonder. This was the first House to pass a pro-homosexual hate crimes bill. The marriage protection amendment was considered very late in the term with no progress toward passage. Despite overwhelming popular approval, the party seldom campaigns as the defender of marriage. The GOP will have to decide whether it wants to be the party that defends the traditional moral and family values that our nation was built upon and directed by for two centuries. Put another way, does the party want to represent values voters or Mark Foley and friends?

So much hair, so little time.