10
May
09

If I Hosted the White House Correspondent’s Dinner

It’s supposed to be an irreverant affair, so they should have invited a comedian with Conservative leanings instead of Wanda Sykes.  So, here’s what I would have done at the dinner.

*****************************************

Thank you, Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, and all of press who have invited me here.  It truly is an honor to be here.  I wasn’t the original host, you know, but Triumph the Insult Comic Dog had to “spend time with his bitches.”  But thank you again.  I can’t wait to be overanalyzed in the press and on blogs tomorrow.

I was actually surprised when I got the call.  Then I remembered all those unpaid taxes, and it all made sense!

But it is nice to be here.  I’m hoping I get in with the President and his crowd so I can make “People’s Most Beautiful” list.  Who knew that the “D” after their names meant “deeeeee-licious!”?

But seriously, People, Tim Geithner on the “Most Beautiful” list?  You’re just sucking up for a bailout, you smarmy bastards!

One thing I’ve noticed about the President is that wherever he goes, he’s surrounded by people who love and adore him.  We call them the White House Press Corps.

Glad Chris Matthews is here in the audience tonight.  I feel sorry for his date, however.  His leg’s going to be all-thrilled out from this dinner and he’s going to have nothing left for you when he gets home.

I was hoping to see more people from the White House Press Secretary’s office.  I see “Baby Face” Gibbs over there.  Where’s Keith Olbermann?   I look forward to being the “Worst Person in the World” for the next two weeks, so I at least wanted to give him a wave.  What’s that?  He couldn’t come?  Stuck in a bathtub?  Ah, what a shame.

I have to love Chris and Keith.  Such a Bromance going on there.  Kind of like Che and Castro.  All the love & ideology, none of the facial hair!

Keith doesn’t bother to have conservatives on his show any more, which I think is a good thing.  He doesn’t need any more help looking like a partisan ignoramus.

I hear Zucker’s pushing for a name change at that network to MSDNC.

Hey, I’m happy to see the table from Fox over there.  Sorry guys, no questions.  You didn’t carry my YouTube special.

I think it’s absolutely surreal that I’m standing here, next to the President of the United States, cracking jokes.  As I don’t have a late-night or cable show, I feel I can freely crack jokes at your expense.

The President comes from Illinois, home to stand up politicians like Richard “Raisin’ the Dead to Vote” Daly and Rod “It’s an Adjective for Everything” Blagojevich.  Evidently Rod and Rahm both come from the same finishing school.  I can just imagine those two playing Mad Libs.  “I need an adjective!”  “No, Rod, we’ve already used that 25 times!”  “Ok, I guess it is still funny.”

But the President doesn’t drop the F-bomb like his contemporaries.  Well, unless his teleprompter tells him to.

The President was kind enough to get me a gift actually.  The 25 greatest comedy performances of all time.  On Betamax.  It’s Ok, Mr. President, I’ve got a “reset” button around here somewhere.  No, I grabbed the wrong one.  This one says “Porkulus”.

Hey, I saw you and and the Vice President hit a burger joint this week to “one-up” the Republicans at the Pizza Joint.  I’m just glad they weren’t out getting Whoppers.  You might have bowed to the Burger King.

I do have to compliment your selection on Vice-President, Joe Biden.  I rode the subway here with him, and we shared a BLT from a Mexican deli.

Biden’s great, though.  If you’re having a really bad week, you can just put Biden on “Meet the Press” and suddenly you seem like the smart one!

I like Biden’s choice of a dog.  Looks like a bright breed.  However, I can understand why he didn’t use a “BO”-like name.  If he named it JB, we’d all be wondering about his drinking habits.  Hey, would explain a lot of his public speeches!  Now I understand all that plagiarism was good thing!

Nice to see you finally selected a church to attend twice a year.  I go weekly, which has put me on the Homeland Security watch list.

Speaking of security, I think this whole North Korea thing has been blown out of proportion.  I think you were right to let them launch their missile.  It’s quite clear they can’t even hit Japan.  I mean, if you can’t hit Japan, you shouldn’t be in the missile launching buisiness, right?  When someone says, “You can’t hit the broad side of a barn!”, you feel kind of bad, right?  Well, try saying “You couldn’t hit Japan with a Taepodong-2 multi-stage ballistic missile!”  I just wish we had deployed that anti-missile radar so we could send a letter to Kim Jong Il saying with a radar video of the launch, saying, “Our missiles are better than yours!  (Not that we’d use them, really.  Can I come over?  – HC)”

And Iran, they look like they’re going to be a lot of fun.  I can’t wait for your first dialogue with them.  Will that be between the “Holocaust Didn’t Happen” historical symposium and the “Push the Jews into the Sea” holiday season?

I want to wrap up with the topic of torture, becasue I know a lot of you are feeling like I’m violating the Geneva convention up here.  In fact, when you declassify the next bunch of torture techniques, be sure to include “Watched Doc’s Corresponents Dinner Stand-Up” on the list.  But it only works if you capture terrorists from the most powerful networks.  You know, NBC, CBS, ABC…

Well, looks like the Secret Service is here to escort me from the premises.  Roughly.  You’ve all been great!  God Bless America!

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11 Responses to “If I Hosted the White House Correspondent’s Dinner”


  1. May 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Do Conservatives have a sense of humour?

  2. 2 sherlock
    May 10, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    You don’t understand the WHPC comedy rules, Doc.

    1. When Republicans control the House, Senate, and the White House, they have to be satirized.
    2. When Republicans control the Senate and the White House, they have to be mocked.
    3. When Republicans control only the White House, they have to be insulted.
    4. When Democrats control everything, Republicans have to be smeared and hopefully die a horrible death.

    Now, where does it say anything about doing anything to Democrats?! That’s your problem, Doc, you can’t read!

    • 3 docattheautopsy
      May 10, 2009 at 4:28 pm

      “Now, where does it say anything about doing anything to Democrats?! That’s your problem, Doc, you can’t read!”

      You’re right. I was educated by liberals. I’m lucky I can tie my shoes!

  3. May 10, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    That was a whole lot funnier than what that two-bit hack said last night.

  4. 5 Visitor
    May 11, 2009 at 2:14 am

    Good thing you didn’t get to deliver that routine, Doc; the audience would have wondered which universe you were speaking from. Clearly not the one in which Chris Matthews has a wife of 29 years of whom he’s very fond, which would rule out his bringing a “date.” And certainly not the one in which Wanda Sykes mentioned Keith Olbermann in her monologue and the cameras cut to him in the audience, which would mean he was present at the event.

    Your “jokes” are all cliches culled from conservative blogs. Well, that explains the alternate universe thing!

  5. 7 Ryan
    May 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Please don’t quit your day job. Sorry. But it’s just not funny.

  6. 8 Nicolae
    May 11, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    I will just repeat my comments I posted to the Doug Powers routine on the same subject:

    Thank you for the good laugh Sir, it seems the US comrades are not too happy about mocking the Dear Leader.

    You see, the previous poster got you red-handed, and dismantled your jokes as not having a solid base – in comparison with the joke that Rush is guilty of “treason”, that’s from the real universe all right.

    When the shovel-ready citizens are not happy, you can know you got it right.

  7. 9 DCG
    May 11, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Very entertaining!

  8. 10 Matt R.
    May 12, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Jokes not having a “solid base?” Huh? Is there anything sadder than someone taking the high horse to humor?
    We are not amused -Queen Victoria
    Frankly, I thought Doc was great at point out the absurdity of it all.

  9. 11 suckonthis
    June 21, 2009 at 2:31 am

    You see, that’s the problem.

    Jokes are funny. Thinly-veiled hatred and tiresome point-scoring, not so much.

    The whole thing fairly reeks of sour grapes.


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About Me

My name is Doc. Welcome to my blog. If you're visiting from another blog, add me to your blogroll (and I'll happily reciprocate). I have a Ph.D. in Chemistry and live in Wisconsin. If you have any questions, feel free to email me. My email is docattheautopsy at gmail. (No linking to deflate the incredible spam monsters).

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