Your Guide to Crappy TV — FOX

Just in time for the crapfest that is the Fall Season, destined to get you hooked on a show, move it to Friday nights, then Tuesday nights, then take it off the air for 6 months, bring it back, just to cancel it after the second showing.

So, I’m putting on my psychic’s hat and I will predict, without watching any of them, which shows will do well, which will tank, and which will get unceremoniously cancelled after 3 episodes.

FOX– Fox returns with old favorites and new shows which have much potential.

The Simpsons: I thought the quality of the show diminished substantially 4-5 seasons ago, right about when “Futurama” took to the air. Considering “Futurama” was hilarious, I thought that the best writers left “The Simpsons”. I haven’t really watched since, but you have to wonder– how long will “The Simpsons” go on? I’ll say it gets picked up in May and it’s given one more year.

American Dad/Family Guy: Once the Simpson’s go, so will these shows.

The War at Home: Ha ha ha! So funny. Sorry, was reading “Get Fuzzy”. As for this show? Not so funny. It needs to be a ratings winner this season or it gets the axe.

Prison Break: My wife doesn’t like this show, so I don’t get to watch it much. But what I have seen I like. It has lightweight competition from ABC (“Wife Swap”) and NBC (Howie Mandel Randomly Opening Suitcases). We’ll see how it matches up against the CBS comedy line-up. I’m thinking pretty good. Unless there’s a viewership decline, expect it here until May with a renewal.

Vanished: I have caught 2 episodes of this show, and it’s OK. Nothing special. It doesn’t have the suspense factor of 24, and it mainly comes from scriptwriting which has been formulaic and sub-par, and it really hasn’t been boosted by the actors. It will get a full season, with a possible renewal, considering “Heroes” and the “Bachelor” air opposite it. Again, like “Prison Break”, it will suffer most from being opposite the CBS comedy line-up. FOX’s idea to start the season a little early for this show may help it if enough of the people skipping reruns get hooked.

House: Almost the best show on TV. It is formulaic, but that hasn’t stopped Law & Order and CSI from doing so well. Hugh Laurie should be a perennial Emmy winner as he is the show. I’m still wondering where the Best Supporting Nomination for Omar Epps is.

Standoff: As my wife said excitedly, “It’s the guy from ‘Office Space’!” Yes it is. Will it make any ratings splash? With “House” as a lead-in, it’s hard to say no. Also, when you consider that “The Unit”, “Criminal Intent”, and two lackluster ABC comedies are opposite “Standoff”, I’m thinking it has a good shot at not only surviving, but dominating its timeslot.

Bones: I never thought this show would go a full season, or even get renewed. But it’s a CSI-like show, so it’s got that going for it. In addition, there’s very little competition (‘Dancing with Broke Celebrities”, NBC comedies). “Jericho” on CBS may be a huge hit or a huge dud. However that rolls, so will “Bones”. I’m thinking that “Bones” may quietly disappear after December.

Justice: It stands against “Lost”, “Criminal Minds”, and the “Biggest Loser”. Man, nothing does well against Fat People Exercising. I kid! I think that the show has promise, but pitting it against “Lost” and “Criminal Minds” is a death sentance. In fact, its poor ratings may qualify it to be the first show pulled in 2006. But my money is on “Smith”.

Til Death: I’m optimistic. Brad Garrett is very funny. It does battle “Earl”, and “Racists on an Island, and “Ugly Betty”. The competition is tough. I have a feeling it will do well enough to survive, but not on Thursday night. I’m predicting a move to Sundays after “Family Guy” after “The War at Home” begins to tank.

Happy Hour: I’ve heard nothing about the show. But I just watched the preview. Looks OK. But, it’s up against the “Office”. It all depends upon Brad Garrett. I’m thinking it lingers, disappearing and reappearing, until May rolls around, before it’s gone for good.

The OC: Ah, my favorite nighttime soap that involves rich white kids. And places I could never afford. With Giant Neck gone (Mischa Barton), the core group of actors has been disturbed. We know what works on the show (the Seth Cohen/Summer Roberts relationship) and what doesn’t (dumbass plotlines with Marissa). Will the writers be bold enough to continue to college? In New England? Because, as I watch, it’s the only thing that can save the show and end declining viewership. The good news: it’s competition is Howie Mandel. The bad news: The other competition is “CSI” and “Grey’s Anatomy”. Personally I’ll watch the OC over Slutfest at the OR, and I’ve never been into CSI. But that’s just me. Will it be more people– probably not. If the rating really slide, the OC will end this May.

Nanny 911/Trading Spouses: It costs very little to air these shows, so little that the profit from advertising is great. Which is odd, because I don’t think anybody is watching.

Cops: Any time you make a show where depressed, sad, lonely people can watch TV and say, “My life sucks, but at least I’m not that guy!”, you’ve got a winner.

America’s Most Wanted: I prefer playing Whack-a-Mole.

So, later this afternoon, I’ll weigh in with my NBC preview. It won’t be pretty. But since I’ve got the space….

The CW: Really low ratings. Lots of bad shows aimed at Teens. And Wrestling on Friday. It’s like basic cable on a network!